To those of you who read my blog regularly, I know it must seem like I make parenthood look like its full of puppies, unicorns and rainbows every day. That is not an accident. I feel like its so easy to fall into the trap of focusing on the negative aspects of raising kids and to complain a lot. Keeping this blog forces me to think about, remember and list all of the wonderful and adorable things that I love most about this job. It keeps me positive and makes me feel more loving toward and less resentful of my kids. We have our bad days just like everyone else though, and now that Will has turned two, oftentimes the bad days outnumber the good. I thought I would offer a small glimpse into that aspect of having a toddler, instead of how cute I find it when he pronounces ambulance, "amu-wence."Will first started showing signs of naughtiness and disobedience starting at around 14 months. It started with hitting and the occasional small tantrum (which was mainly just crying). From there it escalated to biting, throwing food and toys, kicking, stomping and screaming (sometimes all at once). With each passing month, until he was 24 months, he would add a new "skill" to his tantruming repertoire. Still though, I remained calm and they were generally short lived and happened no more than 1-2 times a day. Easy peasy, right? THEN he turned two and that all changed.
I don't actually know if it is 100% his age, or if having Nora around makes it worse, or maybe a combination. Though I have enough friends with two year olds who are going through the same thing that I am pretty sure its just a normal developmental thing, not related specifically to having a new sibling. In either case, he has become a little monster lately. I love him, but boy, sometimes I really hate his behavior. He has grown increasingly violent and demanding, and he cries so loudly and often, that sometimes I forget what silence and peace in the house feels like. I really try my best to remain calm, and patient. I am very proud to say that for the most part I am able to keep my cool. Its times when he violently hits me, throws heavy toys at Nora (so far he has always narrowly missed thank goodness), throws food or starts thrashing in the middle of a poopy diaper change, that my calm facade starts to crumble. I KNOW its just a phase. I probably repeat that to myself several dozen times a day. And the days feel SO LONG. I want to sing the halleluiah chorus when Michael walks through the door at the end of the day. Finally some back up!
The hardest part is that a few months ago, days like this happened once or maybe twice a week. But otherwise he was a generally happy and calm child. Now that switch has flipped and being grumpy, tear streaked and screaming is the new norm. I am in total survival mode. I am actually really grateful to have Nora, because she is so calm and sweet and smiley, that she provides a perfect antidote to Will's craziness. All I have to do is look at her for a few minutes and I feel calmer and am reminded why I love being a mom. I am sure in a year from now, when I have a 15 month old, and a 3.5 year old, shit will really hit the fan and there will be no respite. I am trying not to think about that though. One day at a time.
Anyway, this is all just to say that I feel like I am really struggling for the first time since Will was born. I just want my happy little guy back. I am hoping that remaining calm and loving and understanding (he must be really going through a lot right now!), and given enough time, things will settle down and a more peaceful life will resume. I have to believe that. All I can say is THANK GOD he still sleeps in late and naps well. I need every break I can get from the little tyrant. I love my son but some days I want to sell him to the zoo! But I am sure that I am not alone in that feeling (nor will this be the first time I feel this way. This is only the beginning!), and it comforts me to think that I am not alone in my struggles. I am but one voice in the universal parent's lament!
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